Wednesday, October 8, 2008


SO I've spent the last 4+ months waiting for this month to arrive. Not because it's my favorite month of the year, nor because of Halloween (my favorite Holiday) NOR because I bought my house in October and every year I will mark another year of living in it.

I was supposed to be attending a comic convention in Canada this coming weekend - leaving for MSP tomorrow in fact. I say supposed to because about 3 weeks ago I suddenly became quite ill on my way home from school. I don't even remember parts of my drive home. Nor that paramedics were in my home to revive me and take me to the hospital. I remember bits and pieces AT the hospital, including my really bitchy POS nurse, who was rude and didn't want to take care of the 'hyperventilating' patient she was assigned to. In fact, she so much did NOT want to take care of me, she falsified medical documents to get me OUT of the room, so she could sign off on my care. Too bad for them that they didn't do a brain scan - they might have found the bleeder in my head. The one that started my stroke symptoms. Had they run tests looking for blood clots, they may have found out I was throwing them left and right - hmm. Maybe they would have diagnosed me correctly and thereby give me the medication that could have helped me, vs looking at my stomach for signs of appenditicitis. Never mind that I didn't have a fever, was'nt complaining of abdominal pain, yes, my stomach felt upset - very upset. But that isn't the same as abdomen pain.

But I digress..

Several online buddies of mine and myself, were to meet up in Minneapolis and than drive over the border together. Friday night was to be spent having dinner with Justin Hartley - just us 7 along with his publicist and some friend of the convention organizer. Us FANS who have followed him since he first appeared on our TV screens playing 'Fox' on the soap opera Passions. It all promised to be a BLAST!

.. but then this happened. This mystery illness thing that keeps plaguing me, this illness that causes my heart to pump eractically and cause me to become ill. They can't even give me a 'pill' to stop it. crap.

So I'll spend the weekend feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I'll bemoan the fact that I won't be with them, living each moment. But because I'm never one to be 'truly' jealous, I'll be estactic for them and just wait to hear all about it. And I hear it's supposed to be in the 70's - so I'll sit outside and soak up the sun and watch the leaves fall, and listen to the squirrels run around in the trees above my head, chattering at each other as they fight over the remaining acorns on the branches.

This will still be my favorite month of the year.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

SCHOOL - why?

Well - after MUCH thought as to when to continue, I found myself enrolled again. Some of the classes are not really that hard. It's more about my dedication to studying and making sure I know the material. BUT some of the classes are tough. They are a bit too introspective for me right now. I don't want to 'think' about why I want to do this, I just want 'to' do it.

I've never had a problem with knowing what I want, but sometimes the follow through has'nt been my strong point.

I've started many things in my life but the ONLY thing I've even come close to finishing has being a mother. And really, once a mother, are you 'ever' finished? I'll always be here for my children, no matter what it is they need. And now that I have the additional WONDERFUL role of being a grandmother, I realize this is'nt anything I would ever want to be finished with. It will always evolve, forever changing - my roles in my childrens' lives. And as more grandchildren arrive, more changes. I've got #2 coming sometime May 2009, and while this time it's a little bit easier to wait for his or her arrival, I'm still finding myself wondering what type of plans I'll need to make for next summer for school, clinics, clients, etc.

I'm NOT the parent, but I truly believe that part of my role 'as my childrens parent' is to be as big a part of the grandkiddies lives as much as possible. My own parents have been HUGE influences on my childrens day to day lives and I see it as a payoff : the parts I forgot to teach them, my parents have. They also get something I didn't have much of: a relationship with the people that modeled and formed me. By knowing them, it allows them to see why I am who I am. And perhaps, it will allow them to know themselves a little bit better.

I truly love my job as a parent. I loved being the mom-for-the-day at school. I loved being there in the middle of the night for comfort, or giggles and late night snacks. I loved being there to guide them through their early school days, helping them to make the correct choices, and to help them learn what to say to friends who wanted them to 'try' things that weren't the best for them, or to avoid being the one picked on at school. A special note of pride was seeing my children be advocates for those that were shy, or bullied. They stood up for others that were unable to, and I think that may have helped them escape the horrors having an abusive father. They couldn't stand up to him, but they COULD stand up to those that behaved like him: a coward that picked on the weak.

I've not been a perfect mother, I've made more than my share of mistakes. But I can look at my children with pride. In fact. Others can look at my children with pride, and know that they 'are' good people. They have grown into wonderful human beings who have compassion for others, and will put others before themselves, and more importantly, at times put themselves in the other persons shoes to see 'what their walk is like before attempting to judge them'.

When this life ends for me, I will have left my handprint on this world. It will continue forward in the steps of my great, great, great grandchildren. And hopefully they will continue to teach their children the way I was taught and taught my children.

And that's why I attend school. The most important lesson I can 'teach' them is to never stop learning.